Closing this chapter

I’ve been pursuing surrogacy for 2 ½ years.  I’ve cycled twice for an amazing IM and now… I’m done. 

 

I don’t want to rematch.  I’m over trying to search.  I’m ready to move on with my life.  I’m a bit sad that it never came to fruition, but I’m certain that things are the way they are meant to be.  My IM is now pregnant on her own.  Her history doesn’t serve her well but perhaps there’s hope that Life has its own plans that logic and science will never compete with.  I pray with all my heart that this pregnancy succeeds and ends with a baby in her arms.  If ever a woman deserved to hold her own child in her arms, I think it’s her.  She has been through SO much heartache, failed cycles and miscarriages that it’s amazing to me that she maintains a positive outlook.  She will be an awesome mother.

 

As for me…   I’m focusing on me and my family.  I hope to get a tattoo soon – it’s something that was put on hold until the surrogacy was over and I’m excited about it!

 

Good bye, blog.

 

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Blogaversary

Started this blog April 18, 2008.  That also means I’ve been *actively* pursuing being a surrogate for 2 years.  That’s a long time and nothing to show for it.  However, it’s nothing compared to how long many people battle infertility before turning to surrogacy. 

 

My ad expires tomorrow and I’ll be renewing it.  Still haven’t found the right set of IPs yet.  I still have hope that my previous IM will have a turn of luck and we can cycle again soon.  I sure hate that for all we’ve been thru, we weren’t able to get pregnant.  It’s like watching a great movie with a crappy and abrupt ending… where you’re leaving the theater scratching your head wondering why you sat thru 2 hours for that. 

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Put my ad up

It’s been 14 months since I had an ad up.  I feel like I’ve been at this FOREVER!

Was only given 275 words and somehow managed to widdle it down from 350 words to 242, I think.  Wasn’t worth going back in to add more, so I left it at 242.

Here’s my ad:  What do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Hi! I'm "N" and I'm in Raleigh, NC. I'm 32, married and have 4 children (13, 11, 8 and 3). Ad doesn't allow much space; sorry for the short, bulleted format.


Testing completed at NCCRM. Comfortable giving myself shots.

Drink socially, no smoking/drugs. BMI 20. No history of miscarriages, ectopics or caesareans. All 4 children full term, vaginal babies. Tubal in 2007.


Not a good match for many for the following reasons, so if any apply... I don't wish to waste your time.
* Will not abort/reduce for anything
* Would like to deliver at a birthing center. If twins, would like possibility of delivering vaginally (in hospital).
* I work full time and have STD that covers 60% of my pay from 3 weeks - 6 months. Even so, a lengthy bedrest may be expensive.

Other info:
* Do not require childcare reimbursement.
* Desire an open and involved relationship; prefer to have present at the birth.
* Not seeking a heavily involved relationship after the birth, but desire the courtesy of pics and updates usually extended to friends, distant relatives.
* Have health insurance; no surrogacy exclusion.
* Open to same sex and traditional couples.
* Prefer local match, but ok with long distance/international.
* Open to pumping and/or breastfeeding in the hospital - though both are your decision.

If I sound like a fit for you, please feel free to email back so we can chat more in length.

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Back to square one

IM was laid off.  Even under the best circumstances, that tends to put things on hold, right?  Well, her husband and she have lost faith in the clinic due to the runaround and conflicting answers/advice they’ve been getting.  One dog told her that donor embryos was the best thing to do right now and we’ve spent 5 solid months waiting on a match.  She talks to a second doctor and he didn’t think donor embies would be good at all because, let’s face it… they’re the second quality leftovers.  She could expect to cycle 3 times to get pregnant with any of them.   <sigh>   She’s researching using an egg donor, but again… they’ve lost faith in the clinic and are less and less sure about moving forward in that direction.  She’s been researching adoption lately and will be talking to friends who’ve also gone that route.  I mentioned a third possibility and forwarded her information.  I think they should look into using a traditional surrogate.  They already need an egg donor and this would also take the clinic out of the picture.  As long as they match with someone in a state that has favorable laws, then they should have much less expense and time involved going that route versus continuing with me and using donor eggs. 

 

At any rate…  we’re on hiatus.

 

Maybe she finds a job next week and wants to cycle with an egg donor and that would be FANTASTIC!  But, if my match IS over… then I need to start the wheels turning now, since it takes so long to match, test, do contracts and cycle.  Weeeee.

 

I applied with a local agency.  I’m also watching the classifieds.  This part totally sucks.

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Donor Embryos

Looks like I’ll be taking a break for a while as we wait on the donor embie process.  IM said there are about 20 people ahead of her and it could take 1-6 months.  It ALL depends on how quickly they get thru the list, how many embryos are available for adoption, etc.

 

This, at the very least, means I probably won’t be cycling thru Thanksgiving and Christmas, which I’m thankful for.

 

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Last Beta

 

Last beta was a 3 yesterday.  Stopped meds. 

 

Next step is donor embryos.  We’re still waiting on information about the process and I have NO idea how long it may take.  Since it’s a frozen transfer, there’s no one to sync me with, so it shouldn’t be much more than a month or two wait before cycling again.

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Beta #2

STILL a 6.   Should have been >12 to have even suggested viability.  I go back Tuesday to test again, but I think it’s more about seeing it come down than go up.

 

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BETA

Was actually positive!    … with a low, low, LOW number of    6.

At this point, it means very little.  It needs to double by Sunday morning (retesting) in order for me to continue on meds.

 

 

But…   it’s positive for now  =)

 

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Still negative; beta tomorrow

As of last night… 12dp3dt… negative (Answer).

Testing tonight (13dp3dt) with IM.  At least it’ll give us a chance to discuss the next cycle if the beta is negative.

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7dp3dt

POASing…

 

Sometimes I swear I see a hint of where that pink line is supposed to be.  Maybe it’s a slight evap…  maybe I’m straining too hard to see.  Seeing it on both the FRER and the internet cheapie.  Doesn’t come up in a picture and it’s only BAAAAAAARELY visible in a reverted photo.  I was so sure this morning (which was still 6dp3dt) was going to IT, but alas… it was negative.  (I can see that invisible line in the sunlight though… twisted at just the right angle).

 

I’ll pee again tonight.  And in the morning.  And THIS is why I didn’t want to test at all  LOL

 

 

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6dp3dt

Besides a single piercing pain earlier today, I’ve had no cramps.  I feel…  normal.   No longer bloated, not particularly irritable…   I do have the tiniest headache – I should probably obsess on that for a while.

 

I did pee today.  Negative.  I wasn’t 6dp3dt until 1:30 and I peed at 12, so I was still officially 5dp3dt then.    =/

Yeah… I’ve decided I’m going to POAS.  Not crazy… but I hashed it out in my head and figure that I MUST know before my IM so that I can temper my reaction when we POAS together Saturday.  If I feel it’s going to be negative, I don’t want to meet up with her acting like a cheerleader on speed…   I’ll just feel like a dolt when just the single line shows – even though I feel in my heart this worked.

 

Tonight is double shot night.   Neither butt cheek will be spared the pain.

Tomorrow is the progesterone check.  I’m SURELY shooting enough of that stuff inside me that my levels ought to be nice. 

6 days until beta.

 

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5dp3dt

Woke to some “pinch” action early this morning – good sign?

Still AF type cramping (tad lighter than first day of cycle cramps… more like Braxton Hicks than anything) and some major fatigue during the day… but insomnia when it’s time for bed.  LOL

My head cold is going away and I’m feeling much better overall.

 

Progesterone check Friday.

POAS…. Saturday – I’ll be 8dp3dt.

 

 

I did cave last night and wanted to test… and even started searching for the pee sticks DH hid (at my request).  I didn’t find them and was glad later.  Don’t want to see a negative and honestly… might not want to see a positive this earlier either.

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4dp3dt

Light cramping all morning… AF feeling, but nothing “pinchy”.  I’m exhausted and have a headcold and all I want to do is take a nap.

 

IM and I are planning on POASing Saturday.  I’ll be 7.5dp3dt in the morning and 8dp3dt after 1.  If we’re pregnant, there’s a high probability that we’ll have our positive by then.  If it’s negative, it doesn’t mean anything other than “not yet”.

 

I have NOT taken a pregnancy test yet at all.  I’m very, very proud of myself and am glad to focus on the positive “signs” and not on glaringly white, yet too early to mean anything tests.  ;)

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Weeeee

I'm 1dp3dt... 1 day past a 3day transfer.


yesterday's transfer went well.

Had acupuncture an hour before and an hour afterward. (That was lovely!)
We transferred 3 embryos... 2 eight celled grade 3 and 4 and 1 twelve celled grade 3. (4 is best). Doc gave us about a 40% chance of a pregnancy... 5% for twins or triplets.

Am staying positive that this time will work. 13 days until our beta test. I'm going to hold out doing any pregnancy tests... it just takes the focus too much on my positive thinking and focuses it on the negative tests. We'll see though... I'm usually quick to cave. I had my husband hide the tests I have at the house so if I want to POAS, I'll have to go to the store. ;)

On a side note... or REAR note... My ASS is SORE from those shots. Ouchie. Going to get a heating pad when I'm off bedrest.

5, maybe 6 days to go!

Transfer has been bumped just a few days so it's going to be Thursday or Friday! WOOT! I'm hoping for Friday as it would mean less days that I need to take off from work.

We're also going to try some acupuncture with this cycle to help ensure we're doing everything possible. It works for some and not for others, but the research that I've done indicates that it ups the stats 5-8% for implantation (pregnancy) and lowers to % of miscarriage.

This week, I had my lining check and it was at 9mm. That's not bad. They upped my estrogen (loving that stuff, really!) so my lining should be getting plumper and squishier as we "speak".

I'm remaining positive about this cycle.

I'm also vowing not to POAS (pee on a stick) so I'll be waiting for the beta (blood test) to know whether or not it worked. I think staring at the negative tests didn't do much for my positive attitude.

Will update next week =)))

WOOT!

First Lupron shot tonight.

Transfer scheduled for September 21-23.


WOOT!

Yay!

Started birth control a few days ago. Waiting now on our official calendar but it looks like we'll be transferring again towards the end of next month (September). =))

Next cycle

Waiting till next cycle to start back up again. =)

beta

Negative beta. Confirmation of what I already knew.

Good news is that there are 4 embryos that grew to blastocysts and were frozen!! Hope to hear some talk of new cycling dates in the near future.

Next stop... FET!

9dp3dt

Negative.